As a parent, I seek assurance. I want my struggles to be validated. I want to be inspired to think about my relationship with my children in new ways.
Too often, when desperately searching the internet for advice on sticky parenting situations, I find tidy lists or prescriptions of what I must do to get this raising-kids thing right. I bristle when I browse the parenting shelf at the library because I find books by strident experts, who don’t know me and my family, simplify parenting into cliches. I rarely find a parenting book I can recommend.
Mary Gossart’s There’s No Place Like Home...for Sex Education is different. She encourages parents to have confidence in their instincts while also providing practical suggestions about how to handle conversations about sexuality at every developmental stage--from preschoolers to teenagers. This is the book I will call upon when addressing issues of sexuality with my four, six, fifteen, or eighteen-year-old children.
In it, Gossart writes, “There’s no one answer that fits all. Trust that you have some good intuition about these sorts of issues. Take your cues from your own gut and from your child’s reaction.” Amen to that. Gossart provides guidance without making assumptions about a my values or suggesting there is one way to educate your children about sexuality.
When I was in middle school, my mom attempted sex education. A permission slip from my middle school health class was sent home that asked if I her daughter was...
1. Not allowed to participate in sex education,
2. Allowed to participate in sex education, OR
3. Allowed to participate in sex education AND please send all materials home to be reviewed together.
My mom picked #3. When we read aloud the school’s curriculum, giggling when she accidentally read “pubic hair” as “public hair,” I learned that I could talk about sexuality with my mother. She was available and open to the conversation. Of course, she had to be open to many conversations about many things before for me to trust her.
In the first few pages of the book, Gossart introduces the idea of being an “askable” adult, an adult who is an approachable, available, caring resource. I want to parent as my mother did. I want to be an “askable” parent. Throughout the book Gossart emphasizes a parent’s relationship with their children is the foundation on which to have open and honest conversations about sexuality (and everything else). Her ideas about how to build this type of relationship, unlike the lists I mocked above, resonated with me.
For instance, Gossart reminded me that independent, informed decision-making in early elementary school sets the foundation for later confident decision-making. My relationship with my children facilitates self-assured choices as they develop and grow up. I want to be mindful of this as I help my six-year-old navigate playground conflicts.
Later, Gossart outlines how parents of middle schoolers need to recognize the range of sexual issues their children are curious about, listen more than talk, respect their children’s views, provide factual information, and trust their children’s decision-making. That’s radical and powerful stuff to consider in the relationship between a parent and a seventh grader.
Finally, for parents of high school students, Gossart emphasizes, in the context of our relationship with our children, the importance of being a healthy role model, staying connected to your child, and allowing adolescence to be a process, not a race. She also points out that high schoolers have two tasks: to establish independence and define their values. Important reminders for the controlling, helicopter parent in all of us.
I am a big fan of Robie Harris’s picture books It’s Perfectly Normal and It’s So Amazing for education about sexuality because they are written and illustrated in a way that allows for children to circle back to them again and again. Gossart’s book is similar. She stresses that parents must return to the topic of sexuality with their children and her book is structured to do that. Each of the five sections of this book covers a range of topics parents might expect to face during a specific time of their child’s life. I will use this guidebook as I travel through all of these stages.
Years ago, when a parent called me to ask about why my four-year-old and her friend had “decorated their vaginas with chalk” while playing together at our house, this book would have been a help. The section “Show me yours and I’ll show you mine” would have prepared me for this natural exploration and also given me a tangible way to respond my child. The section “But Scott’s dad said…” would also help me to figure out how to talk to my child about the other family’s values and healthy boundaries.
When dozens of pornographic images invaded my laptop as my eleven-year-old was using it for homework, and googling “how to discuss porn” didn’t prove too helpful, this book would have showed me how to initiate the conversation, how my panicked reaction might affect my child, and pushed me to ask myself about the many ways my child might think about porn.
I wish I’d read the section of the book on sexting before hammering my children with my perspective, based in fear and discomfort, instead of providing a reasonable perspective, based in accurate information and trust.
The one area of book that I wish was expanded is the discussion of consent. My oldest teenager has told me they wished I shared more about what a healthy consenting relationship looks like. Gossart acknowledges that it’s easy to focus on the dangers of sex and reminds parents to also talk about the joys and pleasures of sex. But, while she spend several pages talking about how to prepare teenagers to say no in the middle of a pressured sexual situation and even gives ways to rehearse these scenarios, there is little specificity in the pages about intimacy and pleasure. I would love for Gossart to script what affirmative consent looks like. She mentions that a "clear yes" is essential, but my children and I need more specifics in understanding what that looks like.
I love that Gossart covers more than just the mechanics of sex and refrains from any scare tactics. She is direct and fair. I recommend this book to any parents of children at all ages. It is one I will turn back to again and again.
