The Two Me's

I am the victim of a very happy childhood. I was happy, but not in a clueless way. I was sheltered, but not naive. Of course, my childhood--like everybody else's--was not without knocks, yet I was generally content and confident and at the same time thoughtful and sometimes serious.

The problem is that my parents believe in me (and still do) and told me so all that time (and still do). This shaped me. It made me a believer. I believe in a lot of things, including Jesus (and his resurrection). I believe that there is good in everyone. I believe that singing camp songs can improve a bad mood, not create it. I trust and am rarely afraid of people. I believe in children. I believe in quick forgiveness and I like to give lots of compliments. I don't worry much about locking doors (but I do it to appease my husband and mother).

While I think all of these beliefs are good, I harbor one that causes me a lot of anguish: I believe that I can be and do anything I want to be.

You see, not only did my parents tell me that they believed in me (and still do), they sent me to theatre and basketball and soccer camps, women in science workshops, church retreats, and a series of schools that equipped me with some skills and reinforced the notion that I could be anything I wanted to be.

All of this cheerleading is a good thing. (I still believe that I could be President on day.) The thing is that while it was assumed that I would have a family, no one ever told me what it takes to be a good mom or if being a "just a" mom is on the approved "Anything You Want To Be" list. I knew that while missionary, politician, professor, writer, and artist were on the list that doctor, lawyer, and groundskeeper were off. Mom was not even on the map.

I have a lot of passion for equity and education. I believe that in my small way I can affect change and help push us towards a more equitable world. (This is doing anything I want to do.) Where race and poverty intersect interests me and I love to teach children. They energize me. I believe on some level that I was called to some sort of work that involves these things. I have always been drawn to children and I have always seen unfairness in the world. I want to do something about it. I want to work really hard in a job fighting the good fight.

I also have a lot of passion for Sumner and Ramona and Philip. I like to share meals, that I have cooked, with them. I like to have time with them that is not rushed and always task oriented. I like giving my undivided attention to my family. I want to have more members in our family. Homemaking (whatever that means) is even growing on me.

So there are two me's. One is 16 going on 31 and she wants to take the world by storm, fighting inequity and fostering hope where I can. She has only work on her mind. The other me is 31 with many years ahead of me and a little experience to stand on. I know I love teaching, but I also know that every moment spent creating a family is precious. So I am conflicted. I am not sure how I can be the two me's and so I am not sure how to be me. Right now, I can’t be everything I want to be. Thank God I am the victim of a happy childhood, not a hopeless one. I will have to pace myself.